If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
