just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
