For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
