I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
