Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
