Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I can't put those talents on a resume
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
