she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize