hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
