I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
