"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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