one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
