in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
