someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
