My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just pynch a tree in the face
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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