My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
