i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize