This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
