thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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