he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
