What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
