I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
