I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
