First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
