"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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