you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
