weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
