I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
