Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize