you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I supernannyed him into submission
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
