Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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