your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i will never coherently bang her
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
