I think I just saw someone hide a body.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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