Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
