Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
