I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
