Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize