Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
