I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
