I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
