i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't deserve a penis
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
