Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
