Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
