I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I AM VODKA MAN
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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