when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
