The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
