Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i think my cat just said my name.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
