I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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