The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
