I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
