Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize