one word: firstdatebathroomanal
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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