i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
