Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
