why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Terrible idea I love it
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
