Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Four minutes until I can fart!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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