just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
