i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i need some magic done to my vagina
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
