my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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