I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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