Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
soo... how was my night?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
