I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
